Skinny Jeans

I want to start off this post with a big thanks to Jenn for her post on Just Jenn yesterday.  She totally motivated my run this morning and I feel great!

My plan from yesterday worked!  I had my ass out of bed at 4 and ready to run by 4:10!  I literally had 2 seconds logged on the treadmill when Laney woke up.  I went, I fed her and oh so thankfully got her back to sleep by 4:30.

Since I knew the bottles and lunch were done I planned to run for 30 minutes.  I did a 3 minute warm up walk and bumped the pace up to 5mph.  It felt good to be moving.
Until about the 10 minute mark.  I was getting tired, a little winded and had that ache in my side.  I took a sip of water and said you can stop when you reach 3 miles or 30 minutes whichever comes first.
Over the next 10 minutes I got down on myself.  Why is this so hard?  Has my lack of exercise really done this much damage to my body?  I know I can do this!
When the 20 minute mark hit I felt like I was dying.  I wanted to stop.  I scolded myself: NO! You have to go at least another 5 minutes, then you can count the cool down as part of your 30 minutes. (In reality I haven't even run a full 20 minutes in probably 2 months).
The next 5 minutes I kept looking at my wedding picture (strategically placed next to the treadmill) and thinking, I've almost got you(only 7lbs away).  I'd look at the time and count down the minutes.
And when that clock hit 25:00 I said: You just did 5 minutes, you can do 5 more.  You aren't gonna puke or fall over, keep going...
And guess what?  I DID IT! And then continued with a 5 minute cool down.  I was actually surprised I didn't have runner's high, but I did and still do feel completely accomplished and proud of myself.  Especially after seeing this when logging in to Nike+ this morning...

That's right, I ran a 9:20 mile and finished a 5K in just over 31 minutes!  The last mile sucked, but it was still my fastest and my fastest EVER!  So once again Thank You Jenn!  

And after all that my my lame post about my First Skinny Jeans Ever seems kinda lame!

My legs still aren't perfect (I'll probably never think they are), but I have some confidence back!  The compliments on my outfit yesterday really helped.  I still have a little muffin top in these size 15s! But it won't be long and it will be gone.  I can't wait to take the next pic when they are baggy!

Maybe tomorrow I'll touch on the color of clothes...

PS - I pushed myself so much on my run this morning, the muscles in my arms and my abs were sore from keeping form!

The Crap Shoot Of Life

I had all intentions of turning things around this week.  And my intention was to start on Saturday.  *Notice the use of the word intentions*  Since I was a single mom Saturday, things didn’t really pan out.  I was still feeling the effects of the depression from Friday (which a nice long run would have done wonders for) and both girls got up at the crack ass of dawn.  Really, they were both up by 7am, and yes as much as I want this, I’m not getting my ass out of bed before 6am on a Saturday or Sunday.

Then plans changed drastically.  I was supposed to watch my 11 and 2 year old cousins while my aunt and uncle attended a banquette for my mom’s pool and poker leagues.  Turns out one of the kids wasn’t feeling well.  So mom, wonderful mom that she is, offered to buy me drinks if I could find a sitter.  After several hours of trying, I came up empty handed.

Then it was Pocca (my sister, Monica) to the rescue!  She wasn’t feeling up to going out so she drove all the way home from school to watch the girls for the night so I could go out.  She’s my hero!

I had a blast!  I can honestly say I was the best looking girl in the bar, except for the one 16 year old that came in to pick up her mom.  Many of the people I hadn’t seen since having baby number one.  All the compliments I received were awesome and so welcomed, I don’t think you could have punched the smile off my face!  Here I am enjoying a treat at the end of the night…

Sunday brought on Football, where I could have eaten better, but it was pretty much all I ate all day so I didn’t really care, plus I was a little hung over.  I was happy to get a nap during the game though.

And then the real shit storm started.  Laney was up most of the night Sunday night.  I didn’t get one straight hour of sleep.  She was up when my alarm went off at 3:30 and she was still up when I normally start my workout at 4 and still up again when I’m normally showering at 5.  Needless to say I didn’t work out, or shower…  I did take her to the doctor Monday, but Monday night wasn’t the best either.  Although I did at least get to sleep in my bed for an hour straight.  I didn’t get up to work out and then woke up freaking out at 5:50 because I fell asleep feeding her at 4:30 (after turing my alarm off) and only had 30 minutes to get out the door.  Last night was a little better, but by 2am she was screaming out every half hour or so trying to comfortable.  Yeah, no workout today either.  I’m running on fumes and wondering if this little story here is even going to make sense when I’m done.  And honestly I’m not going to go back and read it, I might fall asleep right here if I do.

So here’s to hoping for more sleep tonight and the strength to get my ass out of bed in the morning…

Weigh In - Memory Loss

Well I didn't even want to post this morning.  As I said yesterday I knew it wasn't a good week.  Secretly I was praying for one of those, "it wasn't as bad as I thought" mornings, but it was...

185.2

That's a gain of 2.2lbs.  I accept full responsibility with no excuses besides I used to many all week.  Normally this is where I'd fall off the wagon.  I haven't worked out in a week now and haven't paid much attention to what I've been eating.  At least not the way I should be.  And I certainly haven't drank all the water I should.  But starting TODAY! I am going to do better!  I'm going to plan my meals better, I'm going to drink more water and I'm going to GET OFF MY ASS!  Who's with me?

Ok, so I might not actually exercise today since I still feel like ass, but I am going to be much more conscious about what is going in my mouth and try to plan my meals for next week.  And the water has already started flowing, even though what I really want is some nice hot creamy coffee to soothe my throat.

I hate being sick, my mind just gets all cloudy and I can't remember shit.  I had a plan as to what I was going to post about today along with my weight and I can't for the life of me remember what it was now.

I hate that puckered look cause their too big!

On the plus side, I've had to wear a belt all week because the clothes that fit me just 3 weeks ago are falling off!  See that big red number up there doesn't mean much, just means I need to be careful.

Have a healthy weekend everyone!

Fighting Back!

This morning I was going to write about my emotional eating, how I hate it and how I’ve been spiraling out of control.  But then I read this Post on Spoken Dreams of a Realist and decided I want to talk more about fighting back.

If I am honest and think about all the times I gave up before I can probably pin point one stressful thing that caused me to eat horrible, and then I got down on myself for eating horrible, then the scale showed it and then I gave up.

I refuse to give up this time.  Right now I’m very frustrated.  I’m mad at myself for making excuses this weekend not to work out.  I’m mad at myself for not getting my ass outta bed yesterday to do it.  And I’m mad at myself because I feel like I had a major lack of effort when I did work out this morning.

Let’s not even talk about the train wreck that was my eating yesterday.  I had a big juicy mushroom burger for lunch and then pizza and wings for dinner.  I don’t even want to say how many pieces of pizza I ate!

I know what triggered my eating yesterday and when I ordered my lunch I even said to my sister “I should be getting the salad, but I really want this…” and when B suggested picking up dinner I said “how about pizza, I feel like eating my emotions tonight.”

Now that I know I try to eat my emotions away, I get more upset at myself for not fighting the urge.  I obviously knew very well last night that I was totally stressed and overwhelmed and eating horribly because of it and I did it anyway.  The healthy girl inside really wants to punch myself in the stomach and say “This does less harm to your body than that shit you stuffing your face with!”

I am going to fight back!  I’m going to let the healthy girl inside punch me!  I’m going to listen to her!  I'm going to feel excited about having the chance to lose this week and fight the urge to say "well what's the point, I already ruined this week."  You know what, every time you eat, it's a new start, not just every morning or every Monday!

Since my MIL just informed me she is ordering pizza for dinner tonight (gee thanks) I’m going to ask her to get me a salad.  I am NOT going to eat pizza!  I am going to take a picture of my salad and post it!  I am not going to give in!!!  I CAN do this!

I am also going to bust my ass tomorrow morning!  I’m going to work for the 30DS results I want!

Feeling Good

I’m feeling good about myself today.  I’m not really sure why, but I have a positive attitude this morning.  I’m obviously not focusing it towards my work like I should be, but eh.

I was exhausted when I got up this morning and really had to push myself to work out, but I did it and I feel better.  I can’t believe today was Day 9 of Level 2!  I’m a little nervous about moving on to Level 3 because at time I still can’t keep pace with Level 2.  I do all the exercises, but not at the same pace.  I almost thought about moving up in weights this morning because with the hammer kicks and some of the rows I don’t feel like I’m getting much resistance on those muscles, but damn do my shoulders still throb by the time she says it’s time for the last minute of abs!

This is one of my favorite outfits right now (minus the shoes, we have a closed toe policy at work).  Unfortunately after only 2 hours of wear, the pants are starting to fall off!  Basically when I put them on they just rest on my hips so by the time I bend and sit a little, they are stretched too much to stay up.  Not that I’m complaining, but part of what I was talking about yesterday, they just started fitting me 3 weeks ago, max!

I’m a little nervous about this week’s weigh in.  While I’m back to wear I was Friday after a Sunday of practically no water, I have a work lunch today.  My plan is to order the Chicken Bella.  It’s a wrap with chicken, baby portabella mushrooms, onions, lettuce, tomato and balsamic dressing.  It comes with a side of home made chips (my favorite!)  What I really want is all one of the following, mild garlic chicken wings, chicken quesadilla, big mouth burger smothered in cheese and bacon, garlic cheese bread.

Please give me the strength to only order the wrap!!!

Good Problems

Now there's an oxymoron if I've every heard one.

Since I'm nursing I wear a nursing tank pretty much every day.  Truth be told, I love my nursing tops.  No bra needed first of all, and second they help keep the belly/pant junction nice and smooth.  I like it better when it isn't smooth because the pants are too big, but either way I like to cover it with a nice fitting tank before I put my shirt on.

The problem? My nursing tanks aren't so form fitting any more :-(  As a matter of fact, some of them a slightly baggy!  And a lot of my other shirts are that way too now!  Yes I have T-shirts that fit, but finding a nice work outfit in my closet that isn't too tight or make me look like I'm wearing a sack is getting difficult.

It probably wouldn't be so difficult if I hadn't tried to stuff my over sized body into undersized clothes for a few years, but I did, cause really who wants to go buy BIGGER clothes?!

I now have a bunch of nice work pants thanks to my aunt who is a little ahead of me in the weight loss department, but no shirts.  And I really don't have the $$$ to go out and buy new shirts.  Truthfully I'm glad some of the healthy stuff isn't so expensive any more or I wouldn't have this problem cause I wouldn't be able to eat healthy.

I'm not going to complain because when I all of a sudden have a great new wardrobe, when I can fit into my (out of style) clothes from 5 years ago I'll be happy again (and starting a new fad with the "old" style).

Push It

I definitely pushed it to the max yesterday.

The day didn't start off too good when I turned off my alarm and fell back asleep!  Good thing my body automatically woke me up at 5 when I normally start getting ready for work.  I was down all day about random stuff and I really think some of it wouldn't have been so bad if I had been able to work out.

Guess what, I went home, put on my workout clothes and sneakers and popped that bitch in!  That's right, this girl did Level 2 30DS at 5pm with an infant and a pre-schooler at home, while daddy made dinner!

I will be honest, I don't know how people do it with a 3 year old running around the whole time, all the time, but it was cute the way she tried to do everything with me.  Biggest problem is her mouth never stops *I think it gets more exercise than the rest of her* and she always wants me to look and talk and well I just can't do that!  But my point is, I made the time!  I worked so hard I had to wait to eat because I felt weak and sick to my stomach, I felt pride!

And guess what, I got up this morning at 3:45am and did it again!  That's right folks, less than 12 hours later I did it again.  I couldn't keep up the way I wanted, but I felt like I was gonna die when I was done.  And that feeling makes me feel like there is a whole new world out there, it gives me hope.

Compliment or Not?

A little background... I have an aunt and uncle who are pretty open about their lives, and I mean every part.  Any way, they like attention and to talk about themselves.  They've tried changing their diets several times over the last 10 years or more and nothing ever sticks.  I get it, I know it's hard and every day I tell myself that this time it HAS to be for good.  So this is what happened...

We are all hanging out at my mom's camp on the 4th of July.  This is the first time several of them have seen me in at least a month and a couple since I was pregnant.  Well above uncle says to me (when we are in a large group and rather loudly) "Brandi, have you lost weight?"  I said "I have, thanks for..." He cuts me off with "I've lost 8lbs this month, your aunt has only lost 6 though, even though we are eating the same."

I have so many issues with this.  First off, if you are going to compliment someone for their weight loss, don't just use it as an excuse to bring up your own.  Yes I know the first 2, 4, 6, whatever lbs is hard, but it's sticking with it that is even harder.  I had lost 20lbs at that time and I was proud.  Second, my poor aunt was right there and I could tell by the look on her face the fact that he mentioned that he was losing weight faster bothered her.  As if losing weight isn't hard enough?  If you aren't in a competition, don't make it one.

So anyway, I'm pretty sure he just mentioned my weight loss so that he could bring up his own.  Personally I never mention mine because to me if you can't see the difference what's the point?

Screw Motivation!

I haven't had motivation in a couple of weeks and it bothers me.  It's not that I'm not losing weight and its not that I don't want to do better, its just an emotional thing that I really can't put my finger on.  It's even been difficult for me to eat right for some reason.  Now when I don't feel I put forth enough effort or eat something I shouldn't have, I get upset with myself, I scold myself and tell myself I need to do better.

The problem is, what is done, is done.  There are very few days that I can get in some extra exercise because I didn't do enough in the morning.  And let's face it, I can't un-eat that slice of pizza.  *well I could, but that's gross and even more unhealthy*

My problem is that I can't seem to carry these feelings over to the next day.

This morning, after being down on myself for a few days (even upset yesterday because I was almost 1000 calories short - a whole other topic on why it's bad), and getting my first full nights sleep this week, I ran for 20 minutes!  While not as long as I'd like it to have been, I still need to push to improve, I'm so glad I did it, even though I wasn't feeling motivated.

When I woke up to my alarm this morning (and not a crying baby) I was shocked and only hit snooze once *anyone who has their alarm set for 3:30 am deserves at least 1 snooze*  I had a slight headache and wasn't sure I really wanted to run.  Right now while running on the treadmill I need something to distract me.  Without a destination I'm running to I find it difficult to keep up my energy and keep going.  I almost gave in and did a video, but a video isn't going to improve my running distance like I want to do.  So I told myself "suck it up and get your ass on the treadmill, you will be glad you did later."  I did my 5 minute warm up walk (which I'm proud to say is .5 mph faster than what it was when I started running 2 months ago) and then I kicked up the speed by a 1mph and ran.  After 5 minutes I just wanted it to be over, after 10 minutes and Smurfs ending *There isn't much but infomercials on at 4am* I decided that I just needed to break that sweat barrier and I'd be fine.  You know that point where go from being warm to dripping with sweat, I hate that transition for some reason*  After 15 minutes I said "Hell you can go another 5" and as each of those last 5 minutes passed I kept telling myself "you get to walk longer than you have left of running." (I do a 5 minute cool down) and for the last minute I decided I needed to push a little and bumped my speed up by a few tenths of a mile.

I didn't get the runner's high this morning, but I am happy that I ran and put forth much more effort than I have been.

Now I need to plan out the next two weeks that are going to be very busy with family gatherings, graduation parties, BBQs and camping!

Morning Motivator

I didn't realize until now how much better I feel and my attitude is when I get a good work out in the morning.  Last night baby girl was up late and I didn't get to sleep until after 10.  My alarm going off at 3:30 wasn't enough sleep for this girl.  I hit snooze until after 4!  What this meant was that I was only going to have time to do my Ab Jam video and not the run I was planning too.  I was ok with this because I AM TIRED.  After the work out I looked at my HRM and realized I didn't even burn 100 calories.  Yes I know I worked my abs very well since they were sore, but I didn't feel that accomplishing high pride that I normally feel in the morning.  That feeling makes anything the morning feels like throwing at me not seem so bad.  Not so much this morning.  I am irritable and not as happy and energized.  Not to self, next time skip the toning and do the run!  I know I would have felt better if I'd run for that 20 minutes!

Week 6

I am impressed with myself this week.  I'm down 4.2lbs this week!  I finally got over that 205 mark!!!

While I didn't actually try a new work out this weekend I am so happy to say that I did go for a run, a run outside!  We went to my mother's camp for the night and they just put side walks in around some of the side streets.  Well guess what, out the driveway to the right and follow the new side walks back is exactly 3 miles!  Guess what else, I ran THE WHOLE THING!  Yup, all besides about 30 seconds when I had a cramp in my side, but I quickly remembered a picture I saw that said "When I get a cramp I run faster so it will be over with sooner!"  So I picked the pace back up and got myself back!  I finished in about 30 minutes.  This really boosted my confidence for the 3.5 mi Chase Challenge that is coming up a week from today!

Also last week I worked out 6 days and included Strength training on 2 days!  I love feeling my muscles tone, even if you can't really see them yet!  In the last 3 weeks I've lost a total of  5.5 inches.  2.5 from my waist, from my hips 1, and 1 from each thigh.  Getting to put clothes in the too big for me bin is a great feeling!!!

Why Did I Do That???

This is a post that was on MFP today that was a great reminder.


"HOLY ****! I'VE EATEN SO MUCH! IM GOING TO BE OBESE" 
I bet you're thinking that. I know I have. But I read this and it put my mind at rest. 

"Ok. 

Stop. 

Take a deep breath and put your thinking cap on. 

I’m going to hit you with some wisdom, ok? 

Take your weight loss calorie goal, and just toss that number out the window. We’re not going to talk about that right now. We’re going to talk about that minor (or major) freak out we sometimes have when we’re having a really good week, eating really well, then we lose our damn minds and stuff our faces with delicious delicious junk food. 

2000 calories is about what your body needs to maintain your weight and keep all your organs doing all those lovely keeping you alive things that they do. Your body burns all those calories at rest. That means that while you’re sitting on your ass, walking to the fridge and back, scrolling through tumblr, etc etc.. your body is making you breathe and make new cells and **** and burns those 2000 calories. 

To gain a single pound, you’d have to eat another 3500 calories on top of those 2000. Thats 5500 calories. 5500 calories is a ****ing lot of calories, okay? 

Lets take a look at what 5500 calories looks like. 

One slice of a large pepperoni pizza from pizza hut is 330 calories. You’d have to eat a little over 2 entire large pepperoni pizzas to hit 5500 calories. 
One crunchy taco from taco bell is 170 calories. To eat 5500 calories, you’d have to eat 32 tacos. 
One double cheeseburger from mcdonalds is 440 calories. 12 of those is 5500 calories. 
21 cheetos are 160 calories. 714 cheetos are 5500 calories. 
Was whatever junk you ate probably a bad choice health-wise? Probably. 

Did you ruin all your progress? No. 

Did you even eat enough to gain an entire whole pound? Nooope. 

Are you going to survive, drink some water, go for a walk or run in the morning, and forgive yourself? Yep. You are. 

Know why? 

Cause **** happens. 

But we move on, and we stay determined. 

Stop freaking out. Forgive yourself." 

All or Nothing

Although this is the normal thought for most "dieters" it is not a healthy though, mentally or physically.  It's hard to learn that though and even harder to re-wire the brain to not revert back to that mentality.  I'm working very hard on this.

I get frustrated when I can't find the exact food I ate, or know exactly how much I ate because the engineer in me tells me it has to be exact or the numbers mean nothing.  But in all reality, the numbers really do mean nothing!  It's about feeling healthy and having energy, not the number on the scale or even the tape measure!

This is not a race, there is no true finish line.  If you look for the finish line you will only fall back into the habits that made you run the race to begin with!

Finding the Healthy Within

I chose the title Finding the Healthy Within because that’s my mission.  I know I have it in me to turn my life around and become the healthy person I want to be.  That’s half the battle right, wanting to be healthy.

Of course everyone wants to look good in a bathing suit and have abs to die for, but really there is more to it than that.  What I’m looking for…

• Playing with my little girls for as long as they want. Being able to run and jump and practice whatever sport they want is very important to me.
• Teach my girls how to eat right and in moderation so hopefully they never have weight problems.
• Feel good about the skin I’m in.  While this may not happen since I was blessed with my mother’s not even close to elastic skin, I want to be able to look at my naked body and not feel like crying.
• Mental health is high on my priority list and every step closer to being physically healthy is a giant gain in my mental health.
• Feel good about going shopping for clothes, I don’t want it to be a task I dread, I want to look forward to it and not come home depressed and empty handed.

I know that I have it in me to do this and I will do it!  I expect some set backs along the way, but what journey doesn’t have a few bends in the road and maybe even a detour.